How did I end up here?

12:48 a.m. and a group of noisy patrons outside my window happened to wake me.  Lucky, because the tide is high, and my desire to hear it left the window open.  I can't believe I did this, but I am so glad I did.  For so many reasons!!  I am peaceful, and I am in the place I really love, relaxing and gearing up for the big show....knowing it may be the last ever.  The whole ride up here, my mind drifted through so many things.  The show, the possibilities of future shows, the possibility of the ending to the program after all these years, the things each of my current members could bring to the future, the reasons I've never come here alone before, the reasons I come here over and over and over, the way my mother cannot break loose of her prisons, the way I refuse to be in the same ones, the person missing from next to me, the voice of him, the way every song I love and know and hear relates to him somehow, the way he was ingrained in everything about my life and in my deep, rushing, crazy, absorbing love for him, I barely knew it compared to how I do now.  I guess that's how it is.


Well, don't take that as being a bad thing.  I'm here, I'm free, I'm loving every second.  I had a drink and a nice meal next door today, Blue Sky is AMAZING.  The drink I named, Ginger Pear, a light salad and a side of lobster mac and cheese made the evening.  I sat, yes me, alone in a public place, and read my nook, enjoying my latest read and my lovely late dinner and just feeling....FREE.  I think that's what it is, I still am not sure.  And back at my room, 206 not 406, I sit by an open window, the breeze over the same eaves, and the ocean hitting the same shore, and I sigh.