Sharpening tools and mind in preparation,
He takes a position in which he'll be
For the next hours
The next days.
Time set and ticking,
Orders given and pre-battle praises lauded,
He takes the breath of anticipation
Before raising his weapon
Embellished with a majestic "2"
And sets out to win.
Presented with one challenge after another,
He heads off each campaign
with conflict eyes,
crusade confidence.
Filling the holes of the unknown
With the tip of his indomitable lead sword,
Each encounter passing with a victory,
Words and symbols spill instead of blood.
Triumphant,
He is declared conqueror.
Feb 19, 2010
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Some good imagery, but mostly cliched.
ReplyDeleteThat whole first stanza is way too wordy, trying to create drama but feeling like a skipping record.
The second stanza again tries to build emotion and tension, but comes out flat. I can see where you want to go, but it's anti-climactic.
Third stanza is better, but would be a lot better if it was pared down to more action, less filler:
Presented with challenge upon challenge
Each campaign beheaded
With crusader confidence,
And conflict eyes.
Fourth stanza, again over-wordy:
Triumph
Done.
To me this one is the best of the bunch, it has real promise even though it will be cliche no matter what. Still, it's worth the fixes.
I appreciate all the comments and will use them for the next draft.....at least the dawning has come. No more writer's block it seems.
ReplyDelete